Recently I've been going through a rather deep and dark existential depression that results from my response to being pretty much completely lacking in mobility. As this plaint that I posted on Facebook a few days back during an acute attack indicates, I feel pretty damned useless in all things.
Losing my identities
I used to be a lot of things.
I used to be a person who sang, who danced, who played guitar, who drew and painted stuff. I used to be someone who acted in plays, who stage-managed and even did some directing.
I used to be a person who marched in protest and in celebration, who spoke at public meetings and presented briefs. I used to be a person who was active in political movements. I used to be a person who could do things to help make the world a little bit better.
I used to be a person who could work, whether it was with my hands or with my mind. Who could be productive, support myself and the people I loved.
I used to be a person who could be of use to my friends and loved ones, who could actually be a friend to them, a person to turn to, to rely on. I used to have something to give.
I used to make a difference in the world.
There are so many things I used to be, and am not not now, and likely will never be again.
Take all my identities away from me, and what is left? Nothing.
Well, in an attempt to try to change at least one of these "I used to be"s, I have been playing with a program that is supposed to be a way to make pixel art rather than hand-shaped art. Here are a few of my investigative forays into the world of electronic art.
And so, November is ended, and I have posted the last two doodles of the month. This has been an interesting experiment for me. It's been a long time - about 35 years, I'd say - since I've been anywhere near this prolific, and while I've enjoyed it, there's no way I can sustain this pace. not that I ever planned on doing so, but.... I've given up a lot of my reading time to do these, and I think I want a different balance.
But I have gained some very positive things from this experiment. First, I've discovered that pretty much no matter what I draw, at least someone will think it's interesting enough to comment on. That's a big one for me. Also, I've discovered that if I just relax and let my pencils play, something will happen - there's always some spark of creative vision, or whatever, that I can tap into if I let myself be in the mood to let it come out to play. That's another big one. And finally, I've found that not only do I enjoy making little pieces of art, I also enjoy showing them to people.
While I can't continue drawing every day, I do want to use this experiment as an impetus to do more artwork than I had been doing in the past. Maybe a couple of pieces a month - and possibly including pieces that are more complex and involve more than a couple of hours of work.
Which leads us to a poll.
Anyway, thanks for looking, and commenting when the urge to say something struck you. I hope you've enjoyed my month of doodling.
I have been doing the drawing a day quite devotedly, but I forgot to scan, upload and post for the last couple of days - I've been having a very bad couple of days, with some mysterious chemical smells invading the house from somewhere that we can't pin down, and making both my partner and I very, very ill. Which means that my brain takes a vacation and hires the grey matter of a gerbil with senile dementia to run the place while it's gone.
A few days back, I drew a cat on a treestump. Why, I don't know. but here it is.
Then, two days ago (I think) partner purchased some more new coloured pencils for me, because I found the initial set lacking in certain areas of the colour wheel. So the last two drawings have been about playing with my new colours. The red/orange/yellow palette in particular has been considerably expanded on, to my delight.
Is anyone getting tired of these yet? Just nine more and I'll have posted a month's worth of drawings.
I rarely draw draw even semi-realistic humanoids, but something a bit strange got into me last night and so we have what might be a character sketch of an elven princess or some other not-quite-human person.
I forgot to post yesterday, so here's what I drew Monday night. I think it's an egg of some kind, possibly a dragon's egg, because what else could it be? ;-)
I drew this last night. It's the first of these doodles that I'm not really happy with. I've been experimenting with using colours that aren't more-or-less monochromatic, and I think I chose the wrong colour for the background of this piece. Maybe I should have gone with yellow/gold instead of red.
I've always enjoyed drawing dragons, even before I started living with one. If you're interested in seeing my very best ever drawing of a dragon, it's online here, and is of course an absolutely 100 percent accurate depiction of my partner au naturel, as it were.
Here's another dragon. I got carried away and made the flame a little too large to fit in the scanner.